When I was in elementary, I was bullied. Maybe not physically but I've had names. They creatively coined a name for me which refers to my teeth color and my odor. Yes, i used to stink when I was kid. I don't recall how I handled that back then but I don't remember crying or missing classes because of them. Maybe I have cried before going to bed or I've planned on some evil things to do to them. But all i know is this too shall pass, I just have to graduate.
Then highschool came and I was free. More than that, I learned a lot. Aside from taking a bath everyday, I learned to make fun of myself before anyone else does. I acquired a great defense mechanism which was my sense of humor. I used to do the doble karaoke thing and from there I was known for being the funny girl. I was never known for the pretty girl label. I am an ugly duckling but with a funny bone. Some strong personalities have made me cry too and feel sorry about how I look. I know I can always make fun of myself, but can't stand anyone making fun of me.
Then college came. Things were starting to change for me. Still not the perfect girl but I was noticed for my wit and charm. I met a few friends who makes fun of me but will show you how much they respect you. I have gained confidence to change things. The confidence I have now was an output of continous search for self improvement. I tried learning how people dress up, how to at least hide my imperfections and just how to fit into the 'mold'.
After graduating, meeting new people at work also helped me to have a fresh start and change the image that I have. Being their source of happiness is a great achievement and it makes me forget all the pain.
So where is this pain coming from now? I have not been feeling well about myself for a long while. How come that after all those years, after how much I think I have improved, some people can still push me to doubt myself. They can easily make me feel that no matter how I changed, I'm still that ugly duckling. I'm not sure if its just me feeling so sensitive about my image or is it them who are insensitive. Aren't we too old for this? I think I am. I can handle that back then but now it hurts me more. It even frightens me to see nor hear from them. Isn't it sad that I have to be afraid again of facing some people? At this age, rejection and disapproval is way more painful to me.
I don't know why can't we all move on from those stigmas and start a new beginning where everyone can share what they are good at. We all know how we tried to be our best. This is not elementary, highschool nor college. We already built a reputation that we want. And we all want to protect that.
All I want here is to be what I am now. Away from my dark ugly past. Yes, I will never be that perfect girl but I I love what I am now. I will always be funny and will do crazy things to myself but I still have limits. You can help me by not always bringing 'the old me' back. I now have my future husband who looks at me in a very very different light. And we will have kids in the future and I want them to be proud and respect me. I believe that respect can never be asked but should be gained. But even if I have not gained yours, I have done nothing to be disrespected. And if being funny leaves me vulnerable to mockery and stuffs, then I quit!
